NOAH IN THE BELLY OF THE WHALE

NOAH IN THE BELLY OF THE WHALE

Tell me quickly,
How long was Noah
in the belly of the whale?
BzTT! Time’s Up
Oh, man, you’re going to hate yourself
if you said, "Three days!"
Fact is, Noah wasn’t in the belly of the whale.
It was Jonah that ended up with the sushi
in the belly of the great fish.

A long time ago, God says to Jonah,
‘Jonah, I want you to go to Ninevah
and tell them to repent
or I’ll bring down a giant
whupping on their tail.’
So Jonah says to God,
‘Sure, God, I’m pretty busy
but I’ll try to work it into my schedule.’
Then Jonah got on a boat
that was sailing in the opposite direction
saying to himself,
why does God always pick me
to do his preaching,
I’m not going to Ninevah,
it smells and the people talk funny.

But while Jonah was on the ship,
a great storm came along
and if not for the courage of the tiny crew
the Minnow 10k-BC would be lost.
The Skipper says to his first mate,
Gilley, what did we do to God
that he sends this storm our way
to wreak havoc on our tiny ship?
Gilley says, maybe it has something
to do with our party with Ginger
and MaryAnn on that deserted island?
But the Skipper was a righteous man
and says, ‘Someone on this ship
has angered the Lord.

'We must draw straws to see who it was.’
So the crew hauls above board Jonah
who had been cowering from the storm
and took straws and shortened one
and then each drew a lot.
The little lot is what Jonah drew.
That’s when he realized the ship
was in the middle of the storm
because he went away from Ninevah.
That city was having a whooping good time
and didn’t know it was waiting for Jonah
to come along and tell it now is the time to repent.

So, the Skipper and Gilligan threw that millionaire
Jonah overboard and in no time at all the sea calmed
and they could finish their three hour tour.
Jonah, meanwhile tried to remember how to swim,
But God had other plans. A great fish swallowed Jonah,
and after three days of Rolaids, Tums and Mylanta,
the great fish spit out Jonah on the shore of Ninevah.

Smelling of rotten fish,
Jonah immediately went to the king
and told him the story
of what the Lord told him
and that the people of Ninevah
should repent and wear burlap bags
and ashes, so that God would spare
the great city from a big old whupping.
The king decreed that Jonah’s words
be heeded and the city was saved.
And Jonah says to himself,
from now on I’m going to do
what God tells me to do
the first time he tells me. Really.

-- Copyright © 2010 by Anthony Buccino, all rights reserved.
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